In the Hands of the Great Physician

Written by Jessica

This week Jason and I ended a thirteen day stay at the hospital. During our time there we encountered numerous doctors and nurses, techs, house keepers, pharmacists, charge nurses and support care staff. Each had their role and task in our care. They each used their skills and abilities to care for my needs. Doctors often consulted together; nurses dispensed medicines; techs cuffed me for blood pressure and kept the famous pink hospital jug filled with ice.

Now, no one role was more or less important in my care. Ultimately, each working together created a regimen that is managing my symptoms. For medical care I am truly grateful. Thirteen days was certainly tiring, frustrating and overwhelming, not to mention I missed my girlies. I have to remember though that we are blessed to be able to receive care and medicine as modes of healing and wellness. I am so excited to be home having had my medical needs meet. And I am grateful for the medical professionals who helped make that possible.

During my hospital stay I was also comforted by the sustaining verses found in Exodus 15:26 where God says, "I am the Lord who heals you," and Jeremiah 30:17, "I will give you back your health again and heal your wounds."  With these powerful words from scripture I recognize that while medical professionals have been gifted with knowledge and abilities to bring healing and while they have offered me care, (healing, wellness,) they are not the ultimate Healer, The Great Physician, or The Curer of of all Disease. 

In a recent conversation I with Dr. Assikis (our physician at Peachtree Oncology), his assistant, and Jason, I boldly asked the doctor a harsh question, one I thought I wanted to know the answer to. "For a person in my condition, for the stage of cancer that I am in, what is the life expectancy?" I anticipated lots of different numbers, 4 years, 3 years, 2 years. But, the answer was, "six to eighteen months." WHAT! The wind was blown out of me, the tears came deeply from within and my heart was burdened in deep chocking pain. Six months  to a year and a half, that's it. I know my cancer is aggressive. I know I am stage 4. I know that at this point tumors have not begun to shrink (while there doesn't appear to be any new ones (Praise GOD!)) I know that there is not a cure for Renal Cell Carcinoma. But a six months to a year and a half, that's all?

This is not fair. How can this be? Lord, are you sure? My doctor quickly reminded me that this is the average person. He said to me, "Choose to not be the average. Choose to let your faith lead you. Believe that you will be healed.  Keep the faith. Keep looking for treatments and trials, and new medicines with us; because, there is only one who knows the time frame of our lives."  And, Dr. Assiskis humbled admitted, "And I am not him!"

I have struggled the past few weeks with this new knowledge. Six months,  Twelve months, 365 days, 4,380 hours, 262,800 minutes, millions of precious moments, but, that’s not much time to make and save up a life time of memories that I want, that I thought I would have. I just knew I would prom dress shop with Savannah and Ella. I would hate their first boyfriends, and discipline them for their first speeding ticket. I would plan the most grandest of weddings. I would travel with Jason. We would grow old and fat together. And now, now, you are telling me my life expectancy is six months to a year and a half. What do I do with this knowledge?

How do I live in the reality of medical knowledge and the diagnosis of a doctor and yet in my faith and belief in miracles and healing and "All things are possible with my God?" Let me humbly admit that I am scared. I am mad. I am sad. I am overwhelmed. I feel alone and I wonder if I really have enough faith.If I have a only six months to a year, then you know, I want a plan. How can I do everything I thought I would have a lifetime to do in a year? But, what if I have more than a year?

God is a God of miracles...He is the Great Physician, I could be the above average person, I might not be the above average person. How do I not think every day, this could be the last time I do this? or that? How do I manage the feelings of despair I feel when Savannah asks me, "If I will teach her to drive when she is 15?" and I know the answer is no. Oh, I have so much to work through and to consider. What knowledge do I cling to, medical knowledge of trained professionals, or with faith that maybe they are wrong?!?!?

 As I have debated these questions I am reminded of the lyrics of a wonderful Casting Crowns song, "Already There."

From where I'm standing
Lord, it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me

I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are going to play out
In a world I can't control

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory

'Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan

And so in the midst of all my questions, in the reality of knowing I have a six months to a year and a half to live according to all medical knowledge and with faith in the Greatest Physician I am trying to remain trusting and thankful for a loving, omnipotent God who can see further than I can and who can and will "work all things together for my good." (Romans 8:28) I will trust that all the chaos will come together in His hands like a masterpiece.

As I do just that, I ask that you pray for me. For Jason and the girls, for my family and friends. We all are trying to process what we know in our heads and hearts. Support us please with your prayers, presence and love. I do not know what the future will hold, but I do know I am choosing to try to live abundantly, for my God has called me to to such! I will spend every moment I can with friends and family. I want to go out to dinners with friends. I want to go to a Braves game, I want to stay at the beach for a week. I want to take the girls to the Coca Cola museum, the Aquarium, Wild Animal Safari. I want to travel somewhere for a a romantic weekend with my husband. I want to eat chips and dip until I can't eat anymore. I want to be with friends. I want to worship with my family. I want to spend every moment I can with loved ones and friends.

Join me in this journey of a lifetime! I love you all and can't wait to make some wonderful memories with each of you. Call me!! Invite me! or I'll track you down! Pray with me and for me, encourage me, love my family, and together may we conquer whatever tomorrow holds.

The Nausea of the Ebbs and Flows

Plop, plop, fizz, fizz! Oh, what a relief it is!  What a relief it is to have Jessica back home; but as you have probably been reading on the Facebook page she isn’t getting any relief.  She is in the hospital with terrible stomach issues.  This has been going on now for five days and it has taken a major toll on Jessica’s system.  Her electrolytes are all out of whack (that is an official medical term used by her doctor).  Her phosphate, magnesium and potassium levels have been extremely low.  Her hemoglobin has dropped and they have given her two units of blood.  She is malnourished and extremely weak. 

It is hard to know if this is the result of an infection or chemotherapy.  Either way she is extremely sick and miserable.  There are many times in life when we are sick and tired of circumstances and absolutely totally unhappy.  During those times you just want to give up.  Throw the towel in and walk away. And there are days even Jessica feels that way.  But life isn’t based in circumstances.  Or at least it shouldn’t be!

Misty and Savannah chasing the waves. 

Life rests in the hands of the creator and it is a series of ebbs and flows.   The phrase ebbs and flows originates from the movement of the tide as it races in and then recedes back, as it rises and falls.  It is kind of like taking two steps forward and one step back or some days taking one step forward and two steps back.  In the context of life it speaks to the resilience of a person who not just survives but thrives through extremely difficult times and when everything seems to be working out right, through all the ebbs and flow of life. 

Jessica is resilient but only because of whose hands she rests in.  It is there that she finds real peace.  Not that God is going to make everything easy just because we prayed.  But because she knows he is still in control of the white caped waters of the sea that threatens to drown her.  Sometimes the crash of the waves is deafening but there is still a peaceful rhythm to them that washes away the dirt and despair of the seashore.  In the whirling of the wind is the sound of God’s voice calling out to us to remind us the power of the wave is weak in comparison to His power and might. 

 

Told you I have ridden the waves!

God is stronger more powerful than the mightiest wave, more commanding and potent than cancer. And just when you think that a hurricane wave of life is about to crash over you, you realize that in it is God’s love and grace washing over you, cleansing you, filling those empty places of despair.  How do I know?  Because, I have been swamped by the waves of life.  I have felt like I was drowning and to feel His power holding me up.  I have been strengthened by His love through people like you.  I have rested and cried in His arms.
If you feel you are being tossed about by the waves of life stop.  Don’t let them make you miserable and sick to your stomach.  Quit looking down.  Flip over on your back.  Float! Quit fighting life and look up to the creator.  He will teach you to ride the waves! 

Matthew 8:24-26 (NIV)
²⁴  Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. ²⁵  The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!" ²⁶  He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the

 winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

 

P.S. We thank you in advance for your understanding but currently Jessica is too sick for visitors.  We will let you know when she is ready to receive guests.