In the Hands of the Great Physician

Written by Jessica

This week Jason and I ended a thirteen day stay at the hospital. During our time there we encountered numerous doctors and nurses, techs, house keepers, pharmacists, charge nurses and support care staff. Each had their role and task in our care. They each used their skills and abilities to care for my needs. Doctors often consulted together; nurses dispensed medicines; techs cuffed me for blood pressure and kept the famous pink hospital jug filled with ice.

Now, no one role was more or less important in my care. Ultimately, each working together created a regimen that is managing my symptoms. For medical care I am truly grateful. Thirteen days was certainly tiring, frustrating and overwhelming, not to mention I missed my girlies. I have to remember though that we are blessed to be able to receive care and medicine as modes of healing and wellness. I am so excited to be home having had my medical needs meet. And I am grateful for the medical professionals who helped make that possible.

During my hospital stay I was also comforted by the sustaining verses found in Exodus 15:26 where God says, "I am the Lord who heals you," and Jeremiah 30:17, "I will give you back your health again and heal your wounds."  With these powerful words from scripture I recognize that while medical professionals have been gifted with knowledge and abilities to bring healing and while they have offered me care, (healing, wellness,) they are not the ultimate Healer, The Great Physician, or The Curer of of all Disease. 

In a recent conversation I with Dr. Assikis (our physician at Peachtree Oncology), his assistant, and Jason, I boldly asked the doctor a harsh question, one I thought I wanted to know the answer to. "For a person in my condition, for the stage of cancer that I am in, what is the life expectancy?" I anticipated lots of different numbers, 4 years, 3 years, 2 years. But, the answer was, "six to eighteen months." WHAT! The wind was blown out of me, the tears came deeply from within and my heart was burdened in deep chocking pain. Six months  to a year and a half, that's it. I know my cancer is aggressive. I know I am stage 4. I know that at this point tumors have not begun to shrink (while there doesn't appear to be any new ones (Praise GOD!)) I know that there is not a cure for Renal Cell Carcinoma. But a six months to a year and a half, that's all?

This is not fair. How can this be? Lord, are you sure? My doctor quickly reminded me that this is the average person. He said to me, "Choose to not be the average. Choose to let your faith lead you. Believe that you will be healed.  Keep the faith. Keep looking for treatments and trials, and new medicines with us; because, there is only one who knows the time frame of our lives."  And, Dr. Assiskis humbled admitted, "And I am not him!"

I have struggled the past few weeks with this new knowledge. Six months,  Twelve months, 365 days, 4,380 hours, 262,800 minutes, millions of precious moments, but, that’s not much time to make and save up a life time of memories that I want, that I thought I would have. I just knew I would prom dress shop with Savannah and Ella. I would hate their first boyfriends, and discipline them for their first speeding ticket. I would plan the most grandest of weddings. I would travel with Jason. We would grow old and fat together. And now, now, you are telling me my life expectancy is six months to a year and a half. What do I do with this knowledge?

How do I live in the reality of medical knowledge and the diagnosis of a doctor and yet in my faith and belief in miracles and healing and "All things are possible with my God?" Let me humbly admit that I am scared. I am mad. I am sad. I am overwhelmed. I feel alone and I wonder if I really have enough faith.If I have a only six months to a year, then you know, I want a plan. How can I do everything I thought I would have a lifetime to do in a year? But, what if I have more than a year?

God is a God of miracles...He is the Great Physician, I could be the above average person, I might not be the above average person. How do I not think every day, this could be the last time I do this? or that? How do I manage the feelings of despair I feel when Savannah asks me, "If I will teach her to drive when she is 15?" and I know the answer is no. Oh, I have so much to work through and to consider. What knowledge do I cling to, medical knowledge of trained professionals, or with faith that maybe they are wrong?!?!?

 As I have debated these questions I am reminded of the lyrics of a wonderful Casting Crowns song, "Already There."

From where I'm standing
Lord, it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me

I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are going to play out
In a world I can't control

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory

'Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan

And so in the midst of all my questions, in the reality of knowing I have a six months to a year and a half to live according to all medical knowledge and with faith in the Greatest Physician I am trying to remain trusting and thankful for a loving, omnipotent God who can see further than I can and who can and will "work all things together for my good." (Romans 8:28) I will trust that all the chaos will come together in His hands like a masterpiece.

As I do just that, I ask that you pray for me. For Jason and the girls, for my family and friends. We all are trying to process what we know in our heads and hearts. Support us please with your prayers, presence and love. I do not know what the future will hold, but I do know I am choosing to try to live abundantly, for my God has called me to to such! I will spend every moment I can with friends and family. I want to go out to dinners with friends. I want to go to a Braves game, I want to stay at the beach for a week. I want to take the girls to the Coca Cola museum, the Aquarium, Wild Animal Safari. I want to travel somewhere for a a romantic weekend with my husband. I want to eat chips and dip until I can't eat anymore. I want to be with friends. I want to worship with my family. I want to spend every moment I can with loved ones and friends.

Join me in this journey of a lifetime! I love you all and can't wait to make some wonderful memories with each of you. Call me!! Invite me! or I'll track you down! Pray with me and for me, encourage me, love my family, and together may we conquer whatever tomorrow holds.

The Nausea of the Ebbs and Flows

Plop, plop, fizz, fizz! Oh, what a relief it is!  What a relief it is to have Jessica back home; but as you have probably been reading on the Facebook page she isn’t getting any relief.  She is in the hospital with terrible stomach issues.  This has been going on now for five days and it has taken a major toll on Jessica’s system.  Her electrolytes are all out of whack (that is an official medical term used by her doctor).  Her phosphate, magnesium and potassium levels have been extremely low.  Her hemoglobin has dropped and they have given her two units of blood.  She is malnourished and extremely weak. 

It is hard to know if this is the result of an infection or chemotherapy.  Either way she is extremely sick and miserable.  There are many times in life when we are sick and tired of circumstances and absolutely totally unhappy.  During those times you just want to give up.  Throw the towel in and walk away. And there are days even Jessica feels that way.  But life isn’t based in circumstances.  Or at least it shouldn’t be!

Misty and Savannah chasing the waves. 

Life rests in the hands of the creator and it is a series of ebbs and flows.   The phrase ebbs and flows originates from the movement of the tide as it races in and then recedes back, as it rises and falls.  It is kind of like taking two steps forward and one step back or some days taking one step forward and two steps back.  In the context of life it speaks to the resilience of a person who not just survives but thrives through extremely difficult times and when everything seems to be working out right, through all the ebbs and flow of life. 

Jessica is resilient but only because of whose hands she rests in.  It is there that she finds real peace.  Not that God is going to make everything easy just because we prayed.  But because she knows he is still in control of the white caped waters of the sea that threatens to drown her.  Sometimes the crash of the waves is deafening but there is still a peaceful rhythm to them that washes away the dirt and despair of the seashore.  In the whirling of the wind is the sound of God’s voice calling out to us to remind us the power of the wave is weak in comparison to His power and might. 

 

Told you I have ridden the waves!

God is stronger more powerful than the mightiest wave, more commanding and potent than cancer. And just when you think that a hurricane wave of life is about to crash over you, you realize that in it is God’s love and grace washing over you, cleansing you, filling those empty places of despair.  How do I know?  Because, I have been swamped by the waves of life.  I have felt like I was drowning and to feel His power holding me up.  I have been strengthened by His love through people like you.  I have rested and cried in His arms.
If you feel you are being tossed about by the waves of life stop.  Don’t let them make you miserable and sick to your stomach.  Quit looking down.  Flip over on your back.  Float! Quit fighting life and look up to the creator.  He will teach you to ride the waves! 

Matthew 8:24-26 (NIV)
²⁴  Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. ²⁵  The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!" ²⁶  He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the

 winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

 

P.S. We thank you in advance for your understanding but currently Jessica is too sick for visitors.  We will let you know when she is ready to receive guests. 

 

The Blesssings of Being Home

How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty! 2 My soul yearns, even faints,
 for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. 3 Even
the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may
have her young-- a place near your altar, O Lord Almighty, my King and my
God. 4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you.

Psalms 84:1-4 (NIV)

Jessica and Jason are home!  I am not talking about them coming home to their house in LaGrange.  A house is a building with four walls, a roof and a door; but a home is a place where people live and experience life together.  A home is a pleasant and safe place to come to at the end of the day.   Some houses are small, some are big.  Some houses are jazzed up, some need a little work.  You can live in a big spacious exquisitely decorated house, but if you have no one to love and share it with, then it's just a plain house no matter how fancy it is. Poor or rich, no children or a dozen children, it's what you put into the house that makes it a home.  It’s who you put in it!

Even before they arrived the heart and soul of many was being put into their home.  Friends from Newnan First United Methodist Church filled their empty pantry and fridge with home cooked meals, desserts (Oh my goodness that pound cake was delicious – Oh wait, that was for Jessica and Jason…I only had a small piece.), and easy to cook prepackaged meals.  The voices of their children, Savannah and Ella, and Jessica’s siblings rattled the rafters with joy at being together.   Hugs and tears where shared as once again we were able to see and embrace each other again.

People have started stopping by to offer support and love.  The Sheriff's Department of Troup County built a wheel chair ramp and planted flowers at the front entrance of the house. This gift makes it possible for Jessica to get in and out of the house. And the Sheriff and Deputy Sheriff even stopped by recently to let Jason know they were there for him (He works for the Troup County Sheriff’s office.)  Other individuals and friends brought pizza and sat around and just talked with them.  Friends have played with the girls, watched them in the swimming pool, and helped with the girls, laundry, and more.


MD Anderson and Houston are wonderful.  We are so thankful for the medical care and expertise that Jessica and Jason found there.  But, it just isn’t home.  Coming home was hard.  There were fears and concerns.  Would Jessica be well enough to stay so far away from her doctors?  Would she be able to get the right chemotherapy here?  Would she be able to keep the house clean?  How would she be able to manage and care for the girls?  How would Jason be able to keep up with all the house work and laundry (neither of which he enjoys at all!) and work full time?!?

Family and friends have been there!  Not that it is as perfectly clean or kept like Jessica would have kept it.  But, they have turned the house into a real home, a place where life is experienced, hugs and tears are shared.    Together is always better.  You have brought Jessica and Jason much comfort, encouragement and strength. 

Thank you for welcoming them HOME!!!  And please feel free to continue to visit, call, send cards and encourage them, because its together as family and friends that life makes sense.  

Confessions of a Multi-tasker

She can recruit a volunteer for VBS on the phone, while checking emails on the computer, pull materials for a confirmation class,  tell an individual who is walking by her office that she will be there in just a few minutes, all while making notes about a family birthday party, planning the summer calendar and putting on makeup. And that’s just a typical five minutes!   Jess is a MAJOR multi-tasker, over achiever.  She is always taking on one more job or responsibility. She’s not very good at saying no to any request and she is a perfectionist at heart.  (I suspect I may be partially to blame.)  She likes doing more than one or two things (or three or four things) at a time.  She thrives on it. 

Ringing the bell after completing her final radiation treatment!

She is even a multi tasker when it comes to cancer.  Most people take radiation and then start their chemo; but not Jessica.   Jessica’s cancer is so advanced they decided to do both at the SAME TIME!  It has taken a toll on her body.  She is nauseated, can’t seem to keep food in, weak and feels like she is dehydrated most of the time.  She has been to the ER for fluids, had a port put in and just completed her last radiation treatment. Today, her platelets were to low for her to receive chemo. They will check it again tomorrow and if  it continues to be low she will have to have another blood transfusion. 

While the doctor visits, treatments  and tests are a a busy whirlwind of activity.  It is still a singular focus.  Recently Jessica told me, “Mom, out here our whole lives are all about the cancer.  Everything is about cancer.  Where I go, what I can eat, or can't eat, how to manage this or that, how not to do too much or too little.  I don’t want my life to be all about cancer. I don't want cancer! She has worries and fears. But she recently enjoyed and shared this passage from Jesus Calling that meant a lot to her. 
 

"It is not so much adverse events that make you anxious as it is your thoughts

 about those events. Your mind engages in efforts to take control of a situation,

 to bring about the result you desire. Your thoughts close in on the problem like

 ravenous wolves. Determined to make things go you way (each task of course),

you forget that I am in charge of your life. The only remedy is to switch your

focus from the problem (task) to My Presence. Stop all of your striving, and

 watch and see what I will do. I am the Lord!" {Jesus Calling - May 21). 
 

 And so with vigilant hearts and devoted prayer, we can't wait to see what God will do! For He is Lord. 

This weekend Jessica and Jason are coming home.  And as we have said Jessica is a multi-tasker, but you also know that she loves being around people, being with people, talking to people.  And I hope that you will come and see her.  This Saturday and Sunday though we would like to reserve for family visits and transition time.  We ask that you respect this request. After that she would welcome your visits. And I know she would be thrilled to be distracted and to get involved again in activities as she is able.  Simply call her before you come to be sure it is a good time. 

May we all be reminded that  "yes" , Jessica has cancer. "Yes, it is an aggressive form of cancer. And "yes", this scares her and us and maybe even you. But, now is not to time to focus on the task, but on HIS PRESENCE. "What then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all  - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 

Make Up and Pearls

One day while Jessica was still in the hospital she decided she was going to get up and get out of the room.  For the first time in a week, with help, she got dressed, straightened her hair, and put on make up.  Instead of getting in the wheelchair she pushed it out on the floor and felt invigorated.  And, if you know Jessica, of course, that wasn't enough.  She was going to push herself as far as possible.  She pushed the wheelchair to the elevator; went downstairs and she pushed it all the way to the exit door.  At that point, I insisted she get IN the wheelchair.  I rolled her out into the sunshine and fresh air for the first time in days.  Others were enjoying the outdoors as well. I pushed her up to some chairs and sat down beside her.  Soon we struck up a conversation with a man whose daughter was also at MD Anderson.  He looked at Jessica and said, "You don't even look sick."  Now mind you she was in a wheelchair and we were rolling an IV pole with five IVs going.  "But I am.  I am very sick."

This week Jessica had her second chemo treatment and her third radiation treatment.  They are radiating her lower back from hip to hip.  It is a very intense and aggressive radiation.  Jessica's abdomen is swelling and pants are uncomfortable.  Yet everyday she

gets up and gets dressed puts on her make up and her pearls!  Jason doesn't get it.  He says why don't you just put on sweats and a t-shirt,  what more could you need?  We all know he's always been one to  "love to get dressed up  :)"   Jessica on the other hand (and since she was little wearing 3-4 outfits a day. much to her father's dismay)  is going to look her best when she goes out in public no matter where she is going. And although she is very sick, despite "not looking like it," you will find her in pearls and make-up!

It is somehow appropriate though that Jessica should wear her make up and pearls.  Pearls are made out of adversity.  A grain of sand gets into the "stomach" of the oyster and causes pain and irritation. To ease the pain the oyster begins to envelop the painful irritant with a liquid.  Layer upon layer it smooths out the rough edges and turns its pain into something valuable and beautiful.

Make up and pearls are Jessica's way of beginning to smooth out the rough edges of something painful and heartbreaking into something valuable and beautiful.  Each day things are getting easier. Today the girls, their daughters, will arrive in Houston.  Just in time for Mother's day! (Thank you Nana and Papaw. :) )  She will complete her radiation on May 21.  She will have her third chemotherapy treatment on May 24.  Somewhere along the way they will put a port in place.  And then on May 25 we hope will return home!  That's right, she is coming home!!!  The edges are smoothing. 

She will continue chemo treatment in Newnan once a week.  And return to Houston the end of June for three days of followup scans and medication adjustments.  This routine will continue every six to eight weeks UNTIL a cure is found! And while we search for a cure and as Jessica continues to live with hope and peace, and pearls and make-up choose this day how you will live.


We may not be able to choose what life throws at us but we can choose how we respond.

 Jessica, Jason, their families and friends with God's help are going to turn this experience into a beautiful pearl!  And, it is our hope that many will see in that pearl a reflection of God's glory and grace.

 ²⁰ You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

*Ladies on Sunday - wear pearls!!!!!
(with whatever you are wearing as a reminder of one of Jessica's favorite Bible verses,

"You are all together  beautiful, my sister, there is NO flaw in you." ~ Song of Solomon 4:7 

In Living Hope,

Mom

It Isn't Fair!

Yes, we have cried.  Yes, we hurt.  Yes, it has been hard.  It is hard.  There are times when we doubt, fear and frankly, when we even feel angry.  Our emotions are real and mixed.  They change from one moment to the next.  Sometimes we feel strong, confident, hopeful.  Other times we …..  well, you know.  They are the same feelings you are experiencing.  You see we are just like you.  We are not some super spiritually gifted family with this super picture perfect faith.  We too struggle with living out our faith and belief in the midst of life's circumstances and tragic events.

IT ISN'T FAIR THAT JESSICA HAS CANCER!!

Guess what? Life isn’t fair.  It is hard.  No matter who you are.  There are  reasons, but they are the ones we  don't want to hear: genes, physics, biology, natural selection, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, the choices we make, and the choices others make. The universe is quite indifferent to our plight. But there is one who does care, who hears and who is big enough to handle all of emotions and feelings..  In fact He is the one who gave us those feelings and emotions.

Mandisa puts it this way.

You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright

Just cry
Just cry

It doesn't mean you don't trust Him
It doesn't mean you don't believe
It doesn't mean you don't know
He's redeeming everything.

Our feelings and emotions are the very things that help us understand our need for Him.  And when we give Him our emotions, our feelings, our heart and soul He redeems us and everything we experience in our life. He turns even the most difficult circumstances into something positive.  

This blog is proof.  It has been viewed over 34,000 times all over the world including Russia, France, Germany, England, Australia, Austria, Canada, Italy, and South Korea.  Never would we have ever had the opportunity to share with so many our faith, hope and belief in the one true living God.  I don't know how people get through life without God.  He is our strength, our confidence, our peace in the middle of the storm.  And HE is our unwavering hope! We continue to pray and believe in healing and we walk confidentially forward in trust knowing that even this God is redeeming.   

¹⁰ Give ear to me, O Lord, and have mercy on me: Lord, be my helper.
¹¹ By you my sorrow is turned into dancing; you have taken away my clothing of grief, and given me robes of joy; ¹² So that my glory may make songs of praise to you and not be quiet. O Lord my God,

 I will give you praise for ever.

Psalm 30:10-12 (BBE)

In His Peace,
Sheila

Behind Every Door There is a Story

After several hours in the ER on the first night the nurse popped her head in the room and said, “Well we finally have a room for you but admissions asked if you would mind a room without a bathroom.”  Jessica face looked horrified.  “Mom they are sticking us in a closet!  You have to go check things out.”  (You can imagine Jessica’s panic at the thought of room without a mirror to get ready by.)  I went in search of our room and found a beautiful clean comfortable space that was open and would serve our needs well.   And so, Jessica was moved.

We were placed on the Leukemia cancer floor as it was the only available room in all the hospital.  With that comes great standards of cleanliness and a sterile environment protocol (which includes not having a personal bathroom in the room).  We have to wear these adorable stylish blue plastic booties on our shoes and are not allowed to carry anything out of our rooms.  We even have to spray the wheels of the beds or equipment that is rolled onto the ward.   Still our time on this floor has been comfortable and we have enjoyed our nurses.  We have learned a lot here about cancer and the people that are affected by it.  Recently, Jessica remarked, “Behind every door there is a story and a person whose life has been forever changed.”

Behind our door our journey has begun to unfold. Our lives, Jessica’s life and her family’s life have been changed forever.  This is her story.  The doctors here have confirmed that Jessica does have a form of renal cell kidney cancer; but, they have, as of yet, to identify which kind. While we don’t have a name for it, we do have a plan of action to fight it.  We have found through CT scans that Jessica’s cancer is very advanced, aggressive and has metastasized throughout her body.  This means the cancer is in and on her bones from the top of skull to her hips in multiple locations.  Unfortunately, there is no cure for this kind of cancer; and, at this time, there is no promising clinical trials.

We have been told the life expectancy is at the most four to ten years; but, because, Jessica’s cancer is very advanced the doctor has advised us to anticipate at the very most four years.   For us, now more than ever, we value every day.   We are claiming days, minutes and moments of joy.  And, we are also claiming hope and victory of a miraculous healing.  We are not giving up.  This is not the end of the story!

We will work with great diligence and hope toward partial remission and in the meantime pray for and seek out a future cure.  Jessica will manage symptoms with a variety of pain regimes, physical therapy, diet, counseling and constant contact with her oncology team at MD Anderson.  She will also be taking 10-16 days of radiation and weekly chemotherapy. We believe most of this in the near future can be done in Atlanta.  On occasion she will return to MD Anderson for scans, check-ups and adjustments to medications. 

Our story is NOT over.  In fact, we are simply starting a new chapter.  We look forward to making more memories; taking more pictures; and, holding each other’s hands during the hard times.  We look forward to finding a cure and supporting cancer research and treatment everywhere.  We are anticipating and looking for the healing God has for Jessica, whatever it might be.  We look forward to hugging our children more, slowing down and doing things we never gave ourselves time to do.  AND, we ask you to do the same!  Slow down! Make time first for Christ, second for your family, third for others and lastly even for yourself.  And when God nudges you, knock on someone’s door and ask them to tell you their story, tell them yours; because behind every door there is a story that needs to be told!

Thank you for being part of our story. 

 

Love,

The Newsome and Crowe Families

P.S.    From Chad – We want to thank everybody for donating to the fundraiser!  It far exceeded my expectations.   Again, I was blown away by your generosity.  Several people have asked how they could continue to donate and support Jessica during this time. So, I have set up a new donation button.  Using this button you can make a contribution to help Jessica and her family fight this disease.  Also note, you can make a reoccurring donation through this button as well.  We are not giving up!!!